Girls Can’t Win: Why We Compete in Friendships
I've always been notoriously known for having a bunch of guy friends.
Often times, this gained me the reputation of:
seeking for attention
being a flirt or a tease
not valuing myself
not being a girls' girl
For a long time, I believed there was some truth to these accusations. Truth be told, I always felt more comfortable around my guy friends, but I wasn't sure exactly why. When I was younger, I'd tell myself it was because I craved the testosterone.
Being the youngest of three daughters, and coming from a large extended family of mainly aunts and female cousins, I felt I've had my fix of feminine energy. It seemed I chose male friends in order to balance it out.
I'd make jokes with my guy friends like "Girls are crazy, and I'm the only crazy one I could handle. So, I'd rather spend my time around boys who don't always feel the need to act up like us" - further perpetuating the narrative that we, as women, are too much.
Still, I didn't like the idea of identifying as somebody who wasn't pro-woman empowerment. Why was it so hard for me to be friends with other girls when I loved watching other women win?
The more I pondered on this dichotomy, the more clear of an answer I got for myself:
My guy friends have always felt more comfortable to me because, unlike other girls, they never felt the need to compete (with me).
Today, I want to unpack that:
Why Guys Don’t Compete with Girls
Later, I understood that I liked being around my guys friends because I envied what they were able to have with other guys. It's like there was an unspoken rule that they'll always put each other first. Something I never saw reflected in the dynamic between girls.
While a guy would always defend another man, especially in the presence of a woman, despite how wrong he may be, girls are quick to throw one another under the bus (i.e. Regina George).
I admired the respect boys and men had for one another, and just wished I could identify with a group that would do the same for me.
Being "one of the homies" was like an elite club that I could get so close to through my guy friendships, but could never truly be a part of.
The difference between boys and girls: Girls will most definitely make another girl look worse than them for the approval of men (or society as a whole).When I analyzed the difference in my friendships with boys and girls, I realized my guy friends were a lot less concerned with my actions and a lot more willing to celebrate my accomplishments. It felt comfortable because this allowed me to let my guard down more than with my female friends.
Still, I always felt like I was only kept around for my sex appeal, not my personality. Like the only reason I was even treated right was because of the guy's potential to get in my pants. Sometimes, I'd let them believe in that potential just so I wouldn't have to lose yet another friend.
That can do a number on a person's self-esteem. Enough so that the person starts to believe the accusations of seeking attention that other people put on her.
Truth be told, it wasn't the attention that I liked so much as the lack of judgement.
I never felt any animosity from my guy friends towards my decisions or accomplishments. Later, I realized that the lack of competition stemmed from the fact that my guy friends never really saw me as someone to compete with.
No matter what I accomplish, their accomplishments will always be ranked higher as a guy. Even if they were to accomplish absolutely nothing, they will never know what it's like to be as undervalued as a woman.
I was a girl. They already won. So what's there to be threatened by?
My friendship with girls, however, was a different story.
Why Girls Compete with Each Other
If you Google "Why Women Compete", you'll find dozens of articles on the science behind female rivalries. In fact, when I asked my Instagram followers if they've ever been in a competition with a friend, half of you said you have (We'll talk more about those results in the Deep Dive).
We all know it. We, as girls, have a notorious reputation for being bitches.
A lot of us like to believe that this applies to "the other girls". I know I did. If you're a woman reading this, I'm sure you have too. The problematic behavior was rooted in the girls who were insecure and that's just not us. Right?
But, research actually shows that our tendency, as women, to compete with one another roots back to evolution and the patriarchy. (Makes sense, right?)
It started as an evolutionary instinct for limited resources, like food, shelter, and mates. Without the physical capabilities of men, securing food and shelter typically depended on securing a man. Thus, the battle amongst women for men began.
You could argue that not all civilizations were run like this, and many men probably will argue that. But, let's be real here. This dynamic existed across enough of us that it still significantly impacts the way men and women act towards one another today, centuries later.
Today, many women are likely to continue to internalize the patriarchal messages that women are not as strong, competent, or capable as men. As such, they continue to feel the lack of resources available to them, and compete with those around them to gain access to the limited share.
If you're not the prettiest, or the smartest, or the most social, then you might as well be nothing. So, we pit ourselves against our friends in order to gain the highest ranking.
Being a "guy's girl" myself, I threatened others by seeming like I was taking more of my share than I was allowed. I only need one man's attention for survival. So, why was I befriending the rest of them, taking their attention away from other girls?
Being a "tease" or "a flirt" wasn't just frustrating for the guys. It pissed the women off too.
How Both are Unfair to Women
When every day is a battle to prove your worth, you don't want to give that up for anybody, even someone you care about.
Like many other women and girls, my gender was not the only identity working against me. I'm a woman of color - from one of the poorest third-world countries on the planet, born Muslim, two years before 9/11.
Space wasn't just limited for me. It was nonexistent. To get any, I learned to take it.
For a long time, I didn't realize doing so put me in a competition amongst the other girls. I thought I was simply proving that I was worthy enough to play the game with them. When I felt unwelcomed, I turned to the guys for support.
The problem with my positioning was that the guys treated me like "you're worthy because you'll never win" and the girls treated me like "you can't be worthy because I am".
Neither were the breeding ground for healthy friendships. Both left me feeling undeserving and unwilling to put in the effort going forward.
As I've grown older, I've learned that I'm not alone in this boat. Many women would like to consider themselves as more of a "girls' girl", but can't get behind the competition that comes with female friendships.
Unwilling to put that same time into guy friendships that will never value them, they find the happy median by getting into a relationship that could offer them the companionship without all of the competition, further giving the power to the guys (if you're a heterosexual woman).
For me, it's just tragic to see so many of us deprived from an essential source of human connection - genuine friendship - due to an outdated state of being.
There is more than enough space for all of us.
I often wonder what my relationship with other women would have been like if we were all raised to see it that way.
PUSH THE CONVERSATION FORWARD
At the end of every article, I’ll pose some questions to help get the conversation going of what we need to do to change the narrative and build a better society. Whether you answer in the comments, on social media, to your friends and family, or just to yourself, these questions are meant to get you to think. Because your thoughts and your opinions matter. With them, you have the power to change the world. The Hustle Legacy is here to help you recognize that.
Questions for This Article
Why do women compete with one another? Is this something that could be helped, or is the way we behave with one another engraved in our DNA?
Are you somebody who likes having friends of the same or different genders? Why is that? What about your preference makes you feel more accepted?
Is the game of friendship set up for women to fail? If it is rigged, how does this hold women back? How to women combat it?
Comment your responses at the end of this blog to have them read in future episodes!
