I was Possessed by Regina George
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Last year, I was possessed by Regina George.
She took over my whole body and my mind.
She cut my boyfriend of three years loose then drove her ass to Philadelphia to drop herself in the middle of a brand new social scene.
She played musical chairs with all the guys.
Was "frenemies" with all the girls.
And made her grand exit by releasing her own Burn Book for the entire world's entertainment.
I'm not possessed anymore (thank God). But, after the year I've had with Regina George, I've learned how to harness the power of my inner Mean Girl. And I wanna talk about it.
What Led to My Regina George Year
Okay, I obviously wasn't actually possessed by Miss Icon herself, but all of that did happen.
I did actually break up with my boyfriend then pick up and move to a new city to build a brand new life. It was a good life, too.
Then, about a year into it, I released a podcast episode where I read excerpts directly from my journal. The only person who's secrets I really spilled were my own, but I didn't hold back from saying how I really felt about people who were still very much playing an active role in my life.
I guess it was my way of saying that I no longer wanted them to.
And I gotta say, everything did go down almost exactly like Mean Girls so... idk maybe I was possessed by her that year. Ya girl has gotten more spiritual in the last year so she believes anything could be possible.
You see, when I moved to Philly the summer after graduating from college, I was unwell.
Like... super unwell.
Like:
Hearing actual voices in my head
Begging and screaming for it to stop while shaking and pulling at my hair
Completely breaking down at every minor inconvenience
Spending more hours of my day crying than doing anything else
And the only person that saw any of this was the man that is now my ex. You see, I was able to keep it together unless I was behind closed doors. No matter how much I would tell people that I wasn’t okay, they simply wouldn’t believe me because the person they saw in front of them seemed perfectly okay to them.
The only person who knew the truth about how bad everything really was was the one person I made the decision to cut out of my life right before my fresh start (but, more on that next month).
With a snap of my fingers, I was in a brand new city with brand new people and everything was actually going... okay? Better than okay, everything was going fantastic! It felt too good to be true.
Like I just woke up one day and stepped into someone else's life, and it was only a matter of time before I had to go back to my actual reality - go back to being depressed and out of control. Except this time, I wouldn’t have the man that loves me by my side to help me through it.
From the outside, everything was pretty, shiny, and gold. But, on the inside, I just felt like big, black, gooey bags of garbage.
I was afraid everyone was going to find out - see that the real me was just a depressed lost soul that doesn't actually fit into their world.
The more I would try to keep up the facade, the shittier I would feel. Until one day, it all bubbled up to me releasing that episode - the one where I spilled all my secrets.
By releasing the episode where I unapologetically read from my journal, knowing the repercussions it would hold, I took my own mask off.
In order to stop myself from waiting for the other shoe to drop I just - dropped it.
It was my way of telling myself that it was okay to be exactly who I am. To stop pretending. And that I had myself even if the entire world turned their back on me.
I made a crazy move that matched how crazy I felt on the inside. And I did it so loudly that there was nowhere left for me to hide. It felt so GOOD!
Doing so allowed me to face my truth; that I was confused and lost and hurt and angry and spiteful and didn't wanna keep living a lie anymore.
The reality I had built for myself in Philly wasn't real. I knew it deep down inside. The person I made myself out to be there didn’t align with who I actually was.
I had to force myself to face that truth by blowing up the life that I made for myself there. After that, there was no turning back.
After Releasing the Burn Book
A few weeks after releasing my Burn Book episode, I had a mental breakdown.
I was working on a presentation for a job interview that I was severely under-qualified for. This was the last stage, and so far, I'd been passing with flying colors. I knew that if I nailed this presentation, the job would be mine.
I also had no doubt that I'd nail the presentation. I had the whole thing in the bag.
This was a job that required years of experience that I didn't have and in the matter of 24 hours it was going to be mine.
The more I thought about it, the more the knots in my stomach did somersaults. As I was working on my presentation, preparing for the interview, I just had it!
I ran downstairs, hyperventilating and pulling at my hair:
“ I just can’t do it anymore”
”I don’t wanna do this”
”I don’t wanna do anything anymore”
”I can’t do anything anymore”
I spent the rest of the night crying to the two maternal figures in my life:
My mom
And my older sister of 14 years
It was a long night of letting out emotions that I didn't even know I had. Ones that felt so much safer to release in the embrace of those that I knew loved me unconditionally.
I wouldn’t have been able to find that for myself in Philly. How could I get that from complete strangers who only knew this fake version of me - the one that was doing everything in her power to run away from who she really was?
The only way I could get rid of the feeling of being made of garbage was to truly heal from the trauma that got me there in the first place - not do everything in my power to run away from it.
The night concluded with the decision that it was time for me to take a break from everything. My priorities were to:
Move out of my apartment in Philly
Quit my job
Focus on getting my mind and my health right
And that's what I did for the next 4 months, all the way until the new year.
Why It Had to Happen
You see, the things I talk about in "The Philly Chapter" (the Burn Book episode) didn't even have much to do with the reason why I had that breakdown a few weeks later.
I knew what would happen next when I released that episode. I knew I would lose a lot of friends and that people would think that I was crazy. But, I needed that to happen.
Because I was so tired of people thinking that I had it more together than I actually did. Being good at being liked was working against me. So, I wanted to try out being hated for a change.
And to my surprise, although it was uncomfortable, messy, isolated, and kinda boring, being hated helped me finally truly and honestly love myself. Because I wasn't wasting any time trying to make anyone else like me or keep up a certain image.
Ruining my reputation gave me the freedom to figure out who I wanted to be because I had no one else's standards to live up to anymore.
I didn't have it all together.
And being honest about that once made it easier to be honest about that again when I had that breakdown a few weeks later and admitted that I didn't wanna work anymore. That I needed a break from life.
And again when I spent that time traveling and sleeping in and doing whatever I wanted. It helped eliminate the guilt of feeling like a bum or a scrub or a couch potato or whatever the hell else society tells us we're supposed to feel like when we decide to take a break.
And again now, when I’ve come back to tell my story, despite how many times I've failed at telling it in the past. Because this is important to me. Making space for stories like mine is important to me.
It's like when Regina released the Burn Book in the actual movie. It was complete chaos at first. But, her releasing everything helped everyone face the consequences of who they are and move forward from that.
Doing that can be ugly.
Like being a hoe, hating all your friends, hiding your depression, posting it all online, then having a mental breakdown ugly. But, that's all a part of the human experience.
We need to stop pretending that we're gonna wake up one day and have a life filled with rainbows and butterflies.
Because life's deep. It's dark. It's messy. It's hard. And that's what makes it so damn beautiful.
At The Hustle Legacy, I want to celebrate that.
The Hustle Legacy: Why the Name?
I've had a lot of people ask me why I named my podcast "The Hustle Legacy".
"It doesn't seem descriptive of the brand you're trying to build."
"What does what you're talking about have to do with hustling?"
And I get it, I do. Because these people are 100% right. The name doesn't seem fitting. But, I guess, that's kind of the point.
This brand is about changing the narrative. Changing what it means to be lost.
to be depressed
to be a Mean Girl
to be raised by immigrants
to be first generation educated
to be colored, Muslim, different
to be a woman
to be all of those things all together
Life is messy, dark, dirty, mean. Hustlers are known to be all of those things.
The Hustle Legacy is about recognizing that life is a Hustle. To really live a fulfilled and purposeful life, you gotta have the courage to face the deeper and darker.
The Hustle Legacy is about changing the narrative of what it means to be a Hustler. I believe anyone that's brave enough to face their truth in pursuit of something better is what being a Hustler is all about.
And, I guess, the Legacy we’re building is to convince the world to believe in the same thing.
I'm building a space where "The Hustle" is defined as a good thing. Where being brutally honest is a good thing. Where being cringey is a good thing.
Society works one way, but The Hustle Legacy is built to work another. Because Hustlers don't follow the rules. And neither will I.
PUSH THE CONVERSATION FORWARD
At the end of every article, I’ll pose some questions to help get the conversation going of what we need to do to change the narrative and build a better society. Whether you answer in the comments, on social media, to your friends and family, or just to yourself, these questions are meant to get you to think. Because your thoughts and your opinions matter. With them, you have the power to change the world, and I want to help you recognize that.
Questions for This Article
Was I or Regina George in the right to invade people’s privacy (even our own) in the spirit of a greater good? Would you do the same thing? How would you react if you had a friend have a “releasing the Burn Book” moment?
What do you think when you hear the term “The Hustle Legacy”? Does the name feel fitting for the conversation? Do you use the term ‘Hustler’ positively or negatively?
Have you ever fantasized about ruining your entire reputation? Would you ever do it? What’s stopping you from doing it now?
