It’s Not All Men, but It’s 99.99% of Them
It's a conversation that's been had since Adam & Eve. One that's inspired countless traditions across the centuries. An argument that every self-respecting woman has been forced to make and every insecure man has felt the need to rebuke.
I'm of course referring to the debate on gender equality.
As a young woman of color who's place on the planet is defined by this very debate, I'm extremely passionate about this issue. And as such, it is essential for me to make it a big part of the identity that I am building.
Recently, I had an encounter with a family member that had me reflecting on this controversial topic. When I mistakenly brought up my emotionally-rooted opinion of how men treat women, it sent what was meant to be a pleasant brunch into a frustrating but enlightening debate that would have a lasting impact on my view of the world.
So here are the 3 biggest takeaways I got from that conversation:
Changing the Narrative of Women Happens Over Dinner
Ever since I've become more firm with my values, I've also become more outspoken with my beliefs.
Although great, it threatens other people's sense of identity when I'm coming in with an energy so strong.
Which is what happened that day. When the man that's been married into my family for the better half of a decade started this argument, it truly caught me off guard. I didn't realize what I thought was a simple joke on the poor state of society would elicit such a response.
To me, this was a safe space. Where all opinions and experiences were valued because the family members they were coming from were valued. That's not how it was received, though.
Like the flip of a switch, the person in question began yelling, never giving my brain the chance to process when we made the switch from breaking bread to drawing swords.
As quickly as the argument started, I understood this man's view of the matter, and it was one purely based off a lack of understanding of the woman's experience. Despite this, I wasn't backing down.
Would we walk away from this conversation with both of us on the same page about the matter? No.
But we would both walk away with actionable takeaways for each of us to reflect on that will, hopefully, mold our new view of gender equality going forward. Which is all we could really ask of each other.
Had either of us been too scared to continue the stressful conversation that we were met with, we would be robbing ourselves of the opportunity.
Despite our heated energy, or our anger toward each other's views, we both were intentional about aiming to show respect as the other continued to make their arguments.
It wasn't easy. There were many times I wished I wasn't in that moment. But avoiding talking about gender equality simply because it's easier is what's led us as a society to this point; with oppression and favoritism riddled across the board.
If you want to see a change, then you have to be that change. And that starts with bringing it up at the dinner table.
2. Nothing Divides Us More Than the Debate of Gender Equality
I'm glad I had that conversation.
I think I'm a better person for it and all I could do is hope that the other person feels the same way. But, the conversation came with its consequences.
These were the last few minutes of my trip visiting this man and his wife. It was supposed to mark the end of a joyous occasion.
Instead, it confirmed the truth I was avoiding all weekend; I've outgrown this relationship and would be doing myself a disservice to try and maintain it.
It became clear to me at the conclusion of our talk that he was incapable of seeing things from my perspective. If there's one thing that I learned, it's that people who are unable to empathize with your experiences will never be able to make space for you.
Continuing this relationship would mean to sacrifice my space.
The drive back home was heavy.
I was lost in thought, grieving the death of yet another relationship. It was beginning to feel like putting myself first came at a big cost and I just wasn't sure if I could afford paying it anymore.
I may not have known if I was doing things right, but I did know this:
This is a man's world. And women have been fighting for their place in it for as long as any of us can remember.
As a woman, I will never stop fighting to change this. My only other option is to just accept that life comes at a disadvantage, and that's something I simply cannot do.
Anyone unable to understand is complicit in making us women feel like we're less than. They help to make me feel like the world is unsafe and therefore, I will always feel unsafe around them.
When I recognized those 3 things, it became clear to me: if I hold these 3 truths to who I am and how I conduct my life, then there are gonna be a lot of people who aren't worth the time, energy, or space.
Including this relationship. To grieve for it would mean to grieve for all the others. And then the mourning would never stop.
Lots of things divide us but no other argument impacts every. single. human being quite like the debate of gender equality does. No matter who you are, this will affect your relationships.
Nothing divides us more brutally than this.
3. Women Just Want to be Heard
Throughout the argument, I wondered why this man's responses could elicit such anger from me.
It's not like anything he said was that surprising. It's things every woman heard before, like
“I understand there are men out there that rape women. But I don’t. So, why should we all be punished for what just a few do?”
or
“I know some crazy girls too! It’s not like men are the only ones that are bad.”
or even
“I had a buddy who got falsely accused of raping a girl. He was thrown directly in jail without trial or proof, lost everything. It took a whole 4 years for him to get his life back together.”
On the drive home, my sister said something that helped me understand my anger: "Nobody's trying to prove that all men are rapists or horrible people. We just want to feel heard when we say that we have a horrible experience when it comes to men."
That was it. The problem with all of his comments, with all the arguments insecure men try to make in this debate, is that it's intention is to negate the experience of women.
And by doing that, by forcing women to silence themselves because it's too hard to handle the truth, that man then becomes a part of the problem.
So no. All men do not rape women (although far too many of them teeter on the line). But almost every single one of them will be the first to defend their kind and silence all women who try to speak up in the process.
Making My Mark
I'm not writing this to claim that the answer to this age old conflict is to cut off everybody that has even a smidge of misogyny in them.
Division does more harm than good.
I'm writing this because I see a severe need to take these large societal issues, like gender equality, out of a political lens.
Man, woman, child, whatever you are, this is a conversation that affects you every time you wake up in the morning. It affects everything about your identity.
Something with that much weight should be seen as an element of one's character, not just a factor in one's votes.
I plan to take these conversations out of the polls and onto the dinner table, one piece of content at a time. So we all can learn how to properly make space for one another.
PUSH THE CONVERSATION FORWARD
As I share more of my experiences and perspectives, I’ll pose thought-provoking questions to help you take these topics beyond my stories and apply them to your own. If anything I say resonates with you, please share your thoughts in the comments. Your engagement helps The Hustle Legacy go deeper and unpack how society is set to hold us back. You may even hear us talk about your points on future podcast episodes.
Questions for This Article
Have you ever had a conversation similar to this one? Which side were you on? How did the conversation make you feel? What takeaways did you get from it?
How do you act in the face of misogyny? Do you actively try to avoid it or challenge it head-on? How has this worked out for you in the past?
Have you ever had to sacrifice a relationship for your values? What value did you stand up for? How did you mourn the relationship?
